Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
