I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You have to summon your inner elephant
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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