everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
