I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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