I want to have your abortion
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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