im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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