New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
