He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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