I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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