We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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