a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
