I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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