I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Mom said you looked used
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
