i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
