She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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