I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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