I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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