I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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