I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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