im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
