she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
