Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
