....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
