I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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