So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
