remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
