I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
