Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I need to align my fucking chakras
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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