If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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