I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
