you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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