i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
