I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
