mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
