I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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