I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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