I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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