I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Still dying that you shit outside
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
