oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
