So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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