Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
