All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
