Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
