The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
