I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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