woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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