omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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