I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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