I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
