I didn't shave. On purpose
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
