We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
